I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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