How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
