In America we eat man semen.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
