Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
My balls are so social today.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
