I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
cat food counts as protein by the way
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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