Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
