i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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