Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
