my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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