so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
