Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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