Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
