That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My liver just had a heart attack.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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