Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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