since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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