I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
