I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You can't just leave with hair like that
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
