instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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