I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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