And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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