Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
