My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
