I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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