Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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