I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
