dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
