I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
