the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
