His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm always down for nudity.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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