Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
