you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
