'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Operation Purity has been aborted
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
