I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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