good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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