sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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