There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
