Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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