I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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