Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
