one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
