god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
