I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's shark week go big or go home
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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