He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's no shave November. This is our time.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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