hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
