if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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