It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i love accidental penises.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
