You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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