If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
