So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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