Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
