I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
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I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
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You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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