I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
