you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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