Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
