i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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