I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
