There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
love makes seman taste better
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
