thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
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then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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